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Angry Asian vs. Stupid Old Man: The Final Duel, or The HATED Donald Duck

Have you ever worked with somebody really really dumb? I’m sure you have. In my life, this person is Donald Duck. After you read this post, you will realize that this co-worker’s Disney character codename is the only jolly thing about him.

So why Donald Duck? Because he spends many work hours idly, doing things that are either too dumb or too revolting for me to describe in full detail; amongst these things is his impression of Donald Duck, with full on character impersonation: crooked duck legs and spit hitting us from all sides while he laughs loudly up and down the hallway at his imagined hilariousness.

When I started, I was not told that part of my job would entail teaching a 60-year-old basic computer skills: Excel, Powerpoint, the kind of stuff that you and I have been proficient in since like…forever. I’m not talking about wizard stuff, formulas, vlookup, special effects on Powerpoint. I’m talking about the BASIC stuff, people: in Excel, deleting rows, adding columns, selecting a row, selecting a column, selecting a field, teaching him to use the goddamn mouse to select multiple rows or showing him how to right-click. YES, the guy doesn’t even know how to right-click! The below is just a sliver of his stupidity and incompetence:

1) To get to a website, he literally types: “http://www.”

2) He types with four fingers. Some people type funny, but fast. He types funny, four-fingered and painfully slowly

3) Last week, we found out he didn’t know his own e-mail. This is after FIVE months at his job. He insisted that that WAS his e-mail because that’s what he’s been telling his clients, as if his insistence on giving people the wrong e-mail address would make the wrong e-mail address his real address

4) He tries to use computer talk, but his attempts to sound computer literate only make him sound more illiterate…and dumb. His latest is telling everybody he’s going to “carbon” us on his e-mails (he means “cc you on my e-mail”)

5) He used to make me SIT there and WATCH him TYPE his e-mails because he didn’t knwo what he was typing. Because he doesn’t understand technology at all, he used to have me sit there and listen to him type and read his e-mails aloud. Most times, I just dictated whatever response he was trying to type because trying to explain things to him just took too long. My politeness and patience dwindled after a week.

6) Once he introduced me to a client as Kelly Sales-C. That ticked me off, especially considering that I had been working with him for several months. Great, another thing to add to his list, dyslexic. And then I felt bad because yes, I have a heart. I pointed it out to him, and he came into my office to let me know that he was, in fact, ADD. So I felt guilty. But then, it happened again. And again. Every time, some permutation of my name, but never really my name.

I know, it’s a bit harsh to expect somebody to know how to type, or how to save a document in Word, or how to change the font color in Excel, or how to OPEN Excel, for that matter (I’m NOT KIDDING–his first day he had to ask somebody how to open Excel!), but if you’re hired as an ONLINE Sales Rep, shouldn’t you know how to do these things? Not only does he not possess the necessary computer skills, but he has no idea what he’s selling. And that’s yet another thing I’m not even going to get into.

Anyhow, I could go on and on about him, but I want to get to the good part. It’s true. Winter Boots and I share a deep dislike for Donald Duck. He’s made our lives miserable because every five minutes he will come to our office, do his multi-knock knock and barge into our office. He will then ask us something really stupid that most likely has been asked and answered before: “How do I know when you guys send me a message on IM?,” stuff like that. In the beginning, I used to get up and go to his office to show him how to do this and that, but now I just continue typing and keep my behind glued to my chair, nodding sometimes, but always typing and never looking at him, hoping he will go away. But he never does. He can talk for 15-20 min nonstop, do his monologue and leave in satisfaction without ever noticing that we did not once replied to any of his questions.

We hoped that by ignoring him things would get better. But no. It’s gotten worse. So I finally had to very diplomatically tell my manager that I was worried about Donald Duck (DD) because this summer, I’m taking some time off, and I was “concerned that Donald Duck would not be self-sufficient without me. ” “In fact,” I said, “I don’t even know if he can pull his own metrics. My boss said he would talk to him, and sure enough, two days later, another co-worker comes into my office and says that DD is up in arms trying to learn the metrics tool.

Winter Boots and me: “But WHY, all of a sudden, after five months of showing NO interest to learn it?” we asked in disbelief.

Co-worker: “Because, the boss asked him if he knew how to pull his metrics and he said ‘ OF COURSE I DO.'”

WB and me: “He straight up lied? When we all know he can’t?”

Co-worker: “Yeah. I mean, we told him, you can always bend the truth, but he straight up lied! So now the boss is making him do a presentation on the metrics tool during our sales meeting next week (in front of 20 people).”

WB and me (excited): “For reals?”

Kudos to my boss because I truly thought that his idea was genius! As a scare tactic it worked wonderfully, sending DD to desperation, as he feared for the moment of his unmasking. And so all of us, who had ever had to teach him now to hold a mouse properly or do a Google search, wringing our hands in delight, waited in anticipation for FDD’s downfall. And we waited. And we waited. To our complete disappointment, we found out that the presentation had been nothing more than a scare tactic. And thus we were ROBBED of the much deserved entertainment that we were entitled to after perishing under DD’s stupidity.

Unscathed by last month’s little episode, DD is back to his old annoying ADD-self. Multi-knocking, opening our door to say hello and do his little dance, asking us if we want to go down with him for the fifth time today to watch him smoke his cigar. It’s gotten completely out of hand. Our co-worker has gotten into the habit of locking her door, turning her lights out and PRETENDING SHE’S NOT IN HER OFFICE, so that DD won’t bother her. I mean, is this crazy or not? And what causes otherwise pacific and patient Asians, such as WB and myself to all of a sudden burst into episodes of deep hatred and thoughts of kicking his balls?

Because we often go off on long rants about DD’s stupidity, I told Winter Boots it was probably time I check how soundproof our office was. Many a times DD has walked into our office uninvited, interrupting whatever violent rant we happen to be in the middle of that particular day. I told her that I was sure that during some of the rants, he had been standing outside our door. So I closed the door and told WB to say something in the same volume we usually yell at when we’re pissed at DD (which is often). I closed the door and heard: “I just want to KILL HIM!!!!” I opened the door again and concluded: “You can hear it, alright.”

It’s gotten to a point where the sheer sound of his name sends shivers down our spine. We cant’ even bear to hear his name. We have instead, began to refer to him as “FDD,” or “freaking Donald Duck.” “Stupid FDD, he did it again!” “FDD is moron,” and so forth.

Every day I pray that DD will wake up a little smarter, but every morning I realize that he’s gotten even stupider.

If you think I’m making any of this up or that I’m done telling you about all his stupidity, I welcome you to tell me about something a stupid co-worker did in the “comments” section. I, in turn, guarantee that I can and will top whatever you share with something more unbelievable and even more revolting that FDD did.


4 Responses

  1. and I quote, “I am following the MYSPACE style guide.”

  2. Good one Lauren. As you know this very comment was directed to me when I inquired why this person was using quotes, tildes and so forth arbitrarily. Good thing I had a witness because I’m not sure anybody would have believed me if I had told them this person was using MySpace as his editorial guide.

    FDD’s topper: “”What does blogosphere mean?

  3. […] just because I haven’t openly ranted about my idiotic co-worker (codename Donald Duck) does not mean that he’s made any progress towards becoming a tolerable human being. There […]

  4. Not that I’m impressed a lot, but this is more than I expected for when I found a link on SU telling that the info is quite decent. Thanks.

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